Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
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