He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I AM VODKA MAN
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
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