I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
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