He's a Shit stain on my heart
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
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