Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Loading more great texts...