I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
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