Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
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i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
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