Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
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