I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
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This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
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