See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
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It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
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