Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
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