well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
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