An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
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