Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
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