Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
This baby is an asshole
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think I sprained my soul last night
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
As shirtless as possible
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
How's work?
Spinning.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Favorite