Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
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