Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
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i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
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