Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Send us your Text From Last Night!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
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