Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
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