You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
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