Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
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I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
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