I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
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