I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My breasts were aching with rage.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
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