I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
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So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
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