pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
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THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
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