There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
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