Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
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