We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
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