Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
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