Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Loading more great texts...