It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Send us your Text From Last Night!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
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