Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
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