He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
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