It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
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