I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
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