In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Send us your Text From Last Night!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
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