You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
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