I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
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