He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
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