I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
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shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
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