look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
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