I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
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