and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
My thoughts exactly.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
this will be a night to untag.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
organizing the empties. That sober.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
a search helicopter?!