dvscarr's Favorites Texts:

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  (281): View more from Texas

  and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.

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  (281): and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst. http://tfl.nu/n2zz
  Replies (6) Good night (2806) Bad night (755) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it

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  (313): if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it http://tfl.nu/hc23
  Replies (8) Good night (1208) Bad night (2165) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

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  (775): I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex. http://tfl.nu/bvr1
  Replies (20) Good night (5566) Bad night (860) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes

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  (208): the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes http://tfl.nu/a563
  Replies (18) Good night (3324) Bad night (1467)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

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  (404): Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february... http://tfl.nu/39i3
  Replies (6) Good night (4284) Bad night (762) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.

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  (614): Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce. http://tfl.nu/e1yj
  Replies (10) Good night (4034) Bad night (737) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.

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  (802): It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside. http://tfl.nu/56u9
  Replies (21) Good night (4055) Bad night (1197) Order T-Shirt
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  (409): View more from Texas

  I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong

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  (409): I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong http://tfl.nu/rbr5
  Replies (5) Good night (2887) Bad night (731) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

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  (401): My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people http://tfl.nu/xhvq
  Replies (28) Good night (1304) Bad night (5188) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in

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  (614): Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in http://tfl.nu/9ss7
  Replies (14) Good night (3388) Bad night (646) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.

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  (724): Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them. http://tfl.nu/a4j7
  Replies (17) Good night (898) Bad night (5969) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.

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  (609): At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared. http://tfl.nu/jdkh
  Replies (8) Good night (2804) Bad night (898)
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  (914): View more from New York

  I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list

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  (914): I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list http://tfl.nu/bjw0
  Replies (18) Good night (4937) Bad night (599) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.

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  (608): I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her. http://tfl.nu/42b2
  Replies (6) Good night (3095) Bad night (736) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.

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  (602): Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table. http://tfl.nu/8dv6
  Replies (7) Good night (4158) Bad night (685) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out

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  (267): Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out http://tfl.nu/835w
  Replies (14) Good night (4736) Bad night (1254) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with

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  (212): the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with http://tfl.nu/bllr
  Replies (24) Good night (3299) Bad night (937) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.

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  (406): i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes. http://tfl.nu/lrt6
  Replies (5) Good night (3616) Bad night (597) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"

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  (734): we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas (810): I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick" http://tfl.nu/jn94
  Replies (9) Good night (3641) Bad night (1378)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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  (208): She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs". http://tfl.nu/ppqp
  Replies (23) Good night (8706) Bad night (753) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent

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  (856): I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent http://tfl.nu/ara2
  Replies (6) Good night (2447) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.

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  (770): At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it. http://tfl.nu/bg9a
  Replies (11) Good night (6052) Bad night (967) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog

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  (202): just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog http://tfl.nu/w6qp
  Replies (4) Good night (3208) Bad night (823) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.

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  (612): drunk taco night MLK would want it this way. http://tfl.nu/ye78
  Replies (9) Good night (2598) Bad night (719) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??

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  (813): Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick?? http://tfl.nu/vxvq
  Replies (12) Good night (3144) Bad night (1376) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3

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  (850): Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3 http://tfl.nu/b5wj
  Replies (7) Good night (3231) Bad night (591) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.

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  (815): i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing. http://tfl.nu/zu31
  Replies (5) Good night (3848) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?

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  (330): Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home? http://tfl.nu/9062
  Replies (12) Good night (4077) Bad night (713) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.

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  (910): i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny. http://tfl.nu/fz99
  Replies (23) Good night (1242) Bad night (2714) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.

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  (616): Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed. http://tfl.nu/ew4t
  Replies (17) Good night (807) Bad night (3887) Order T-Shirt
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome

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  (+64): Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome http://tfl.nu/lxnn
  Replies (7) Good night (2704) Bad night (1205) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12

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  (573): Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12 http://tfl.nu/xbs4
  Replies (12) Good night (3646) Bad night (1006) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.

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  (864): Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants. http://tfl.nu/bdpr
  Replies (5) Good night (2014) Bad night (727)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye

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  (336): Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye http://tfl.nu/fu4x
  Replies (25) Good night (3457) Bad night (870)
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  (432): View more from Texas

  Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.

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  (432): Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know. http://tfl.nu/dusl
  Replies (5) Good night (1227) Bad night (2689) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.

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  (914): my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person. http://tfl.nu/80cc
  Replies (41) Good night (5594) Bad night (847) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again

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  (843): We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again http://tfl.nu/w71h
  Replies (23) Good night (856) Bad night (3326) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong

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  (250): But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong http://tfl.nu/o9zp
  Replies (7) Good night (948) Bad night (2027) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"

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  (717): He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested" http://tfl.nu/y825
  Replies (9) Good night (3000) Bad night (1059) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.

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  (203): I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb. http://tfl.nu/7di2
  Replies (2) Good night (2885) Bad night (906) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..

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  (914): something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined.. http://tfl.nu/wloj
  Replies (13) Good night (697) Bad night (4843) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.

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  (419): is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately. http://tfl.nu/bi26
  Replies (3) Good night (2463) Bad night (617) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  when I sang my humps to you I meant it.

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  (419): when I sang my humps to you I meant it. http://tfl.nu/9lvg
  Replies (2) Good night (3273) Bad night (663) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought

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  (816): Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought http://tfl.nu/gjm9
  Replies (9) Good night (593) Bad night (2829) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.

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  (303): i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once. http://tfl.nu/besu
  Replies (17) Good night (1690) Bad night (2870) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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  (828): you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life. http://tfl.nu/zm5g
  Replies (12) Good night (7544) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

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  (215): i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you http://tfl.nu/4yxe
  Replies (35) Good night (9110) Bad night (1636) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?

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  (937): Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding? http://tfl.nu/i14g
  Replies (16) Good night (862) Bad night (2398) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.

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  (516): This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me. http://tfl.nu/6e09
  Replies (8) Good night (2856) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.

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  (513): Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well. http://tfl.nu/s9im
  Replies (5) Good night (2726) Bad night (696) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.

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  (307): The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though. http://tfl.nu/bysz
  Replies (8) Good night (867) Bad night (3093) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.

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  (913): I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids. http://tfl.nu/b3me
  Replies (9) Good night (4154) Bad night (1238) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.

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  (732): his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening. http://tfl.nu/ib1o
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  (914): View more from New York

  you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.

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  (914): you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap. http://tfl.nu/d86b
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  (562): View more from California

  I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.

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  (562): I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here. http://tfl.nu/jxmt
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  (323): View more from California

  Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.

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  (323): Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl. http://tfl.nu/6wl6
  Replies (32) Good night (2050) Bad night (4060) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"

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  (206): I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?" http://tfl.nu/2uiv
  Replies (22) Good night (945) Bad night (3537) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability

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  (917): we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability http://tfl.nu/xeg6
  Replies (1) Good night (2125) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time

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  (570): she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time http://tfl.nu/kzmt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.

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  (989): It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened. http://tfl.nu/z3yw
  Replies (3) Good night (2945) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming

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  (425): Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming http://tfl.nu/1h5t
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.

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  (219): So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers. http://tfl.nu/p4nm
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend

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  (412): she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend http://tfl.nu/4xq5
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.

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  (203): She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers. http://tfl.nu/qfx8
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets

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  (717): no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets http://tfl.nu/m579
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  (650): View more from California

  I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes

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  (650): I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes http://tfl.nu/pban
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted

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  (203): he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted http://tfl.nu/yf6w
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I slept with him to see his dog one last time

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  (248): I slept with him to see his dog one last time http://tfl.nu/kvlf
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.

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  (919): Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music. http://tfl.nu/oyb0
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3

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  (484): drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3 http://tfl.nu/7aa9
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.

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  (803): Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical. http://tfl.nu/xb5u
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro

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  (678): The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro http://tfl.nu/6idu
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  ...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????

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  (312): ...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because???? http://tfl.nu/17np
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  (914): View more from New York

  I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.

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  (914): I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree. http://tfl.nu/fej1
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  (619): View more from California

  You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.

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  (619): You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer. http://tfl.nu/hqfv
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.

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  (308): Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning. http://tfl.nu/konb
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.

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  (416): Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing. http://tfl.nu/2fe4
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.

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  (570): i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness. http://tfl.nu/5sus
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  (914): View more from New York

  My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.

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  (914): My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off. http://tfl.nu/9ogm
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  (646): View more from New York

  just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.

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  (646): just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice. http://tfl.nu/48r0
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.

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  (402): Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes. http://tfl.nu/823v
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.

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  (503): When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning. http://tfl.nu/i94f
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me

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  (605): mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me http://tfl.nu/m5ve
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  (713): View more from Texas

  This dude is being a total douche

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps

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  (713): This dude is being a total douche (832): Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps http://tfl.nu/sy46
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  (510): View more from California

  EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!

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  (510): EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT! http://tfl.nu/n28b
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..

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  (704): CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME.. http://tfl.nu/vguq
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.

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  (401): I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard. http://tfl.nu/cjsq
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  (310): View more from California

  He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday

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  (310): He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday http://tfl.nu/b2jq
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  (206): View more from Washington

  someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.

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  (206): someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'. http://tfl.nu/u94d
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.

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  (480): Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start. http://tfl.nu/ri6j
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.

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  (571): you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were. http://tfl.nu/2fw7
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends

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  (662): this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here (601): on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends http://tfl.nu/r706
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve

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  (386): I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve http://tfl.nu/p2o3
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  (801): View more from Utah

  my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.

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  (801): my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god. http://tfl.nu/bqw0
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.

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  (207): He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice. http://tfl.nu/mmqq
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas

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  (208): Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas http://tfl.nu/3mqp
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.

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  (630): We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives. http://tfl.nu/wwoi
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.

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  (901): I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas. http://tfl.nu/166i
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.

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  (712): buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks. http://tfl.nu/xy6a
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose

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  (765): We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose http://tfl.nu/vyfk
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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  (501): SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD. http://tfl.nu/21ls
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.

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  (404): I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money. http://tfl.nu/7bbu
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  (646): View more from New York

  Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?

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  (646): Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going? http://tfl.nu/kahl
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.

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  (256): I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you. http://tfl.nu/8mod
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.

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  (803): He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face. http://tfl.nu/7qv4
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."

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  (307): I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom." http://tfl.nu/5uyu
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico

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  (313): hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico http://tfl.nu/p58l
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self

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  (609): She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self http://tfl.nu/w7zw
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  (207): View more from Maine

  And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.

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  (207): And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition. http://tfl.nu/ff1h
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me

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  (703): yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me http://tfl.nu/feez
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  (253): View more from Washington

  she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie

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  (253): she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie http://tfl.nu/dtyw
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  (914): View more from New York

  all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is

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  (914): all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is http://tfl.nu/2h7o
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.

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  (865): It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14. http://tfl.nu/nc65
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about

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  (313): Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about http://tfl.nu/rnip
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  (661): View more from California

  Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

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  (661): Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me. http://tfl.nu/1wv6
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.

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  (571): I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this. http://tfl.nu/xlyp
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry

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  (219): I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry http://tfl.nu/lrp2
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.

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  (920): She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off. http://tfl.nu/r6m3
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"

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  (774): i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness" http://tfl.nu/ogi9
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...

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  (215): It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away... http://tfl.nu/zf28
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech

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  (248): i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech http://tfl.nu/b8ee
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  (936): View more from Texas

  Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.

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  (936): Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/amif
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  (813): View more from Florida

  It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.

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  (813): It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow. http://tfl.nu/0mxe
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.

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  (402): He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house. http://tfl.nu/iz51
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  (206): View more from Washington

  At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?

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  (206): At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall? http://tfl.nu/7soh
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

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  (256): No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep. http://tfl.nu/gby7
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.

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  (503): Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake. http://tfl.nu/amef
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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  (270): I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy. http://tfl.nu/gapv
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.

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  (269): I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE. http://tfl.nu/167y
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.

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  (403): He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant. http://tfl.nu/2z77
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage

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  (724): Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage http://tfl.nu/yt67
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  (386): View more from Florida

  being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.

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  (386): being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop. http://tfl.nu/b39q
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

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  (810): I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago. http://tfl.nu/b9vc
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

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  (214): You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight. http://tfl.nu/qr87
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?

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  (205): She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more? http://tfl.nu/6zzu
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?

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  (817): Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for? http://tfl.nu/2cqu
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner

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  (413): also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner http://tfl.nu/h4oj
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln

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  (785): this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln http://tfl.nu/pu0o
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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  (416): I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon http://tfl.nu/5ghl
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.

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  (773): It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse. http://tfl.nu/a75v
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.

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  (479): They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless. http://tfl.nu/hmfp
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.

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  (434): Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other. http://tfl.nu/93c9
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?

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  (860): What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang? http://tfl.nu/anu5
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.

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  (843): I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car. http://tfl.nu/mri5
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.

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  (902): If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I. http://tfl.nu/orkf
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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  (360): Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night. http://tfl.nu/91du
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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  (330): I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America http://tfl.nu/nfrq
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  (305): View more from Florida

  It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.

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  (305): It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids. http://tfl.nu/tjbu
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.

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  (202): He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like. http://tfl.nu/n0vb
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  (914): View more from New York

  Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos

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  (914): Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos http://tfl.nu/qe5u
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day

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  (360): Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day http://tfl.nu/ru8t
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  (949): View more from California

  Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?

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  (949): Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk? http://tfl.nu/zd5j
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.

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  (937): It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs. http://tfl.nu/4p26
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.

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  (724): I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move... (412): Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am. http://tfl.nu/4pbg
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  (587): View more from Alberta

  Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea

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  (587): Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea http://tfl.nu/gdya
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now

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  (702): Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now http://tfl.nu/aoyo
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

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  (920): he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up http://tfl.nu/v5zl
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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  (704): Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining. http://tfl.nu/owux
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  (917): View more from New York City

  my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce

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  (917): my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce http://tfl.nu/158e
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  (206): View more from Washington

  No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.

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  (206): No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher. http://tfl.nu/9rva
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize

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  (610): Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize http://tfl.nu/2i2r
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  (801): View more from Utah

  we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious

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  (801): we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious http://tfl.nu/ejqb
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...

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  (781): I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing... http://tfl.nu/jqiv
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  (561): View more from Florida

  No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south

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  (561): No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south http://tfl.nu/5xop
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

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  (814): I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild. http://tfl.nu/qodr
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses

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  (801): I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses http://tfl.nu/98sm
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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  (617): the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands http://tfl.nu/ha5y
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls

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  (517): He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls http://tfl.nu/0ix2
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

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  (215): Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost http://tfl.nu/oth1
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay

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  (513): He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay http://tfl.nu/cp59
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.

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  (413): im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask. http://tfl.nu/in4y
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do

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  (201): the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do http://tfl.nu/8wsa
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship

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  (404): you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship http://tfl.nu/msif
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  (716): View more from New York

  i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.

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  (716): i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing. http://tfl.nu/i263
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  (817): View more from Texas

  he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...

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  (817): he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet... http://tfl.nu/na2h
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.

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  (214): I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday. http://tfl.nu/w2er
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain

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  (708): He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain http://tfl.nu/7dwy
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.

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  (314): He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is. http://tfl.nu/o2e4
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  (713): View more from Texas

  He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.

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  (713): He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5. http://tfl.nu/fdnd
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.

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  (206): Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order. http://tfl.nu/s8w4
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

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  (202): I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand http://tfl.nu/1ole
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.

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  (614): she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie. http://tfl.nu/xhiw
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

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  (586): he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great. http://tfl.nu/bqct
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?

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  (937): how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on? http://tfl.nu/yug9
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back

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  (503): well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back http://tfl.nu/ecfc
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

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  (336): Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep? http://tfl.nu/earn
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.

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  (989): Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street. http://tfl.nu/pdx2
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  (760): View more from California

  It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.

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  (760): It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience. http://tfl.nu/sxy7
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.

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  (507): I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER. http://tfl.nu/g7c4
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.

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  (571): I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend. http://tfl.nu/5ie3
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  (954): View more from Florida

  8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

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  (954): 8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on. http://tfl.nu/8x7p
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  (806): View more from Texas

  with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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  (806): with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible. http://tfl.nu/qot7
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow

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  (404): Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow http://tfl.nu/pzca
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  (805): View more from California

  I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.

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  (805): I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more. http://tfl.nu/p4p6
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  (530): View more from California

  If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...

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  (530): If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good... http://tfl.nu/ucmp
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  (949): View more from California

  Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"

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  (949): Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick" http://tfl.nu/m9ln
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.

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  (575): Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again. http://tfl.nu/4z0a
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  (714): View more from California

  I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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  (714): I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious http://tfl.nu/8hxf
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman

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  (908): i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman http://tfl.nu/e120
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.

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  (757): I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper. http://tfl.nu/o740
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends

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  (919): every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends http://tfl.nu/8jwh
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?

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  (540): What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless? http://tfl.nu/wpih
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  (212): View more from New York

  It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.

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  (212): It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls. http://tfl.nu/fa0p
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.

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  (480): Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea. http://tfl.nu/itom
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best

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  (919): we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best http://tfl.nu/79hx
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.

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  (541): You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night. http://tfl.nu/2m2y
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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  (801): Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch? http://tfl.nu/p8up
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...

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  (763): lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab... http://tfl.nu/1m3b
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"

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  (734): What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?" http://tfl.nu/tcpf
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.

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  (610): you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster. http://tfl.nu/4s0b
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.

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  (314): every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar. http://tfl.nu/8pyq
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.

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  (740): It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex. http://tfl.nu/8qyg
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

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  (636): I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high http://tfl.nu/wyfj
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.

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  (612): Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore. http://tfl.nu/3jmh
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  (707): View more from California

  I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already

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  (707): I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already http://tfl.nu/x0ls
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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  (978): I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING (617): you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me. http://tfl.nu/bj47
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'

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  (443): In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.' http://tfl.nu/dm32
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  no pressure.

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  (856): he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him. (215): no pressure. http://tfl.nu/wyu7
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.

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  (219): He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot. http://tfl.nu/xkom
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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  (215): Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything. http://tfl.nu/hi5p
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed

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  (301): Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed http://tfl.nu/1voz
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  (315): View more from New York

  its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus

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  (315): its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus http://tfl.nu/cdww
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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  (919): I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever http://tfl.nu/iy56
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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  (503): i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text http://tfl.nu/7lw4
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.

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  (703): She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning. http://tfl.nu/a0no
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.

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  (218): If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting. http://tfl.nu/wbx1
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.

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  (678): When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick. http://tfl.nu/i6to
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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  (443): I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly http://tfl.nu/9fzw
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  (661): View more from California

  So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

  (818): View more from California

  I hate you.

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  (661): So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night? (818): I hate you. http://tfl.nu/ps95
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  (212): View more from New York

  The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.

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  (212): The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line. http://tfl.nu/abdb
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  (817): View more from Texas

  All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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  (817): All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning http://tfl.nu/qcnv
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  (214): View more from Texas

  So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far

  (713): View more from Texas

  Sounds better than last semester

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  (214): So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far (713): Sounds better than last semester http://tfl.nu/9h5w
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back

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  (610): advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back http://tfl.nu/339g
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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  (330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people. http://tfl.nu/iaht
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  (786): View more from Florida

  I miss vodka workout Fridays

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  (786): I miss vodka workout Fridays http://tfl.nu/gp5l
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  (607): View more from New York

  Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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  (607): Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high http://tfl.nu/24mk
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.

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  (248): She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds. http://tfl.nu/bean
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.

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  (613): you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there. http://tfl.nu/1v1m
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.

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  (307): He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him. http://tfl.nu/54ly
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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  (573): Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you http://tfl.nu/8e5m
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.

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  (804): I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either. http://tfl.nu/j4vn
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  (206): View more from Washington

  That's why there are breakfast margaritas.

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  (206): That's why there are breakfast margaritas. http://tfl.nu/dzi9
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.

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  (226): I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop. http://tfl.nu/0sxf
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  (650): View more from California

  i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.

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  (650): i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating. http://tfl.nu/do4w
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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  (306): They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties. http://tfl.nu/2id3
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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  (832): He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point. http://tfl.nu/zypj
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  (631): View more from New York

  beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

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  (631): beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner. http://tfl.nu/w2xi
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  (646): View more from New York

  He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.

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  (646): He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/8o9v
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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  (519): He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid. (604): HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES http://tfl.nu/zs3p
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  (+66): View more from Thailand

  A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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  (+66): A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure http://tfl.nu/u013
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.

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  (425): I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame. http://tfl.nu/kw0h
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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  (603): hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1... http://tfl.nu/ehgf
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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  (443): Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that. http://tfl.nu/hvnx
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.

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  (832): Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is. http://tfl.nu/odjy
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Thats like the definition of a good friend

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  (224): You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me. (630): Thats like the definition of a good friend http://tfl.nu/1tf7
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.

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  (618): Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar. http://tfl.nu/mv1g
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  (801): View more from Utah

  that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow

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  (801): that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow http://tfl.nu/5dzd
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The pine trees are waving at me.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Put the pipe down honey.

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hi trees.

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  (253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him

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  (412): He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him http://tfl.nu/4xvd
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

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  (412): Why are there maracas in the dishwasher? http://tfl.nu/o2j7
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it

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  (301): I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it http://tfl.nu/ek0f
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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  (508): this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes" http://tfl.nu/1j0f
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  (+33): View more from France

  how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?

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  (+33): how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men? http://tfl.nu/4scz
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers

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  (606): All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers http://tfl.nu/uhar
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  (716): View more from New York

  So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.

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  (716): So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building. http://tfl.nu/resy
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.

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  (+61): We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well. http://tfl.nu/yavz
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.

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  (724): You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame. http://tfl.nu/zyq0
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.

  (1-802): View more from Vermont

  it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.

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  (802): he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont. (1-802): it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup. http://tfl.nu/03vx
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  (530): View more from California

  Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'

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  (530): Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober' http://tfl.nu/1n5d
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...

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  (303): It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively... http://tfl.nu/4ljl
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.

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  (856): it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar. http://tfl.nu/5cy5
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.

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  (540): Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza. http://tfl.nu/9mae
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.

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  (610): So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way. http://tfl.nu/846z
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  (239): View more from Florida

  While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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  (239): While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth". http://tfl.nu/xyop
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

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  (508): Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you. http://tfl.nu/gxjs
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.

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  (404): Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic. http://tfl.nu/dv7k
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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  (815): New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink. http://tfl.nu/5ry5
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was

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  (203): She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was http://tfl.nu/dgtk
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.

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  (303): this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now. http://tfl.nu/u25e
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

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  (202): I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out. http://tfl.nu/ga8t
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.

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  (774): In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES. http://tfl.nu/idd1
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.

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  (250): By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right. http://tfl.nu/wypb
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook

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  (847): Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook http://tfl.nu/zrse
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?

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  (239): Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls? http://tfl.nu/pmwm
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.

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  (705): i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding. http://tfl.nu/t3vj
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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  (908): where's my purse there's an important taco in it http://tfl.nu/d9zq
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now

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  (828): I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now http://tfl.nu/merq
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.

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  (+44): Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man. http://tfl.nu/2h1j
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you

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  (414): There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you http://tfl.nu/ku1m
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  (817): View more from Texas

  When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

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  (817): When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar. http://tfl.nu/ucur
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

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  (307): I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen. http://tfl.nu/qqp8
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

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  (214): I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?" http://tfl.nu/quj5
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

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  (613): You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one http://tfl.nu/l60l
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  (917): View more from New York City

  the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.

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  (917): the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there. http://tfl.nu/q6gx
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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  (303): One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud. http://tfl.nu/mlmc
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?

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  (217): I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college? http://tfl.nu/03bi
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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  (603): You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing. http://tfl.nu/vk7w
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  He's only a little bit crosseyed.

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.

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  (610): He's only a little bit crosseyed. (484): I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much. http://tfl.nu/gez3
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.

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  (702): She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note. http://tfl.nu/7aam
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!

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  (202): My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin! http://tfl.nu/ygvu
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.

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  (401): just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October. http://tfl.nu/w9iv
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  (909): View more from California

  I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine

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  (909): I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine http://tfl.nu/d6oy
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?

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  (250): When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to? http://tfl.nu/e636
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  (209): View more from California

  She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.

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  (209): She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge. http://tfl.nu/14lm
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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  (303): Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever http://tfl.nu/gvxq
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  (817): View more from Texas

  she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.

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  (817): she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student. http://tfl.nu/paxd
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.

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  (810): He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life. http://tfl.nu/cn7c
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.

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  (215): The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng. http://tfl.nu/fp0t
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  (315): View more from New York

  don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there

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  (315): don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there http://tfl.nu/ybdj
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.

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  (704): I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures. http://tfl.nu/ybaw
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful

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  (410): We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful http://tfl.nu/jdk0
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame

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  (410): i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame http://tfl.nu/8cpc
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no

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  (678): Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no http://tfl.nu/k1du
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I love how my cats smell like pot.

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  (410): I love how my cats smell like pot. http://tfl.nu/85ca
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.

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  (904): I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana. http://tfl.nu/xfg3
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...

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  (+44): i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer... http://tfl.nu/jw3w
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

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  (312): You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles http://tfl.nu/bowu
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.

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  (517): I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high. http://tfl.nu/trcx
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on

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  (570): i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on http://tfl.nu/lrwn
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.

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  (404): Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore. http://tfl.nu/eu8g
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...

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  (240): I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette... http://tfl.nu/tjl0
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  (415): View more from California

  He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.

  (650): View more from California

  .......................................

  (415): View more from California

  My thoughts exactly.

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  (415): He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic. (650): ....................................... (415): My thoughts exactly. http://tfl.nu/05rl
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

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  (856): My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic? http://tfl.nu/h7hc
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  (661): View more from California

  I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...

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  (661): I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore... http://tfl.nu/z5qk
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming

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  (434): do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming http://tfl.nu/c7ht
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.

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  (717): Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life. http://tfl.nu/od19
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club

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  (732): It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club http://tfl.nu/j8mx
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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  (253): Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out http://tfl.nu/bygf
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.

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  (281): I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas. http://tfl.nu/8z68
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  (516): View more from New York

  making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

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  (516): making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage" http://tfl.nu/jy1p
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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  (919): Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride. http://tfl.nu/6akp
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it

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  (973): Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it http://tfl.nu/e8zq
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

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  (609): Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided http://tfl.nu/mbmq
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.

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  (614): I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision. http://tfl.nu/xp34
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers

  (440): View more from Ohio

  its only a rough draft.

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  (513): thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers (440): its only a rough draft. http://tfl.nu/pfud
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  (954): View more from Florida

  We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

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  (954): We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers. http://tfl.nu/9jml
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.

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  (703): She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself. http://tfl.nu/tn32
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.

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  (630): I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job. http://tfl.nu/iztl
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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  (205): i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail. http://tfl.nu/mxx0
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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  (978): Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room http://tfl.nu/x49g
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him

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  (847): I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him http://tfl.nu/klkz
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.

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  (505): judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too. http://tfl.nu/lecl
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  (408): View more from California

  He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

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  (408): He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it. http://tfl.nu/0bv4
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."

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  (774): I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..." http://tfl.nu/yy1j
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.

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  (913): It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide. http://tfl.nu/jrdr
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  (510): View more from California

  Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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  (510): Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing. http://tfl.nu/5987
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it

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  (781): if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it http://tfl.nu/706q
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  (818): View more from California

  well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning

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  (818): well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning http://tfl.nu/ywc2
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special

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  (941): I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special http://tfl.nu/g9sh
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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  (817): I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve. http://tfl.nu/17gc
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  (845): View more from New York

  What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

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  (845): What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know http://tfl.nu/y6wb
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am

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  (513): walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am http://tfl.nu/e35n
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.

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  (501): Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to. http://tfl.nu/4qds
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg

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  (781): she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg http://tfl.nu/c3oo
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night

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  (843): Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night http://tfl.nu/lokc
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.

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  (812): They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban. http://tfl.nu/cwx8
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it

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  (519): he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it http://tfl.nu/rdxn
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated

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  (812): I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated http://tfl.nu/yas8
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  (415): View more from California

  Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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  (415): Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting. http://tfl.nu/yl2c
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

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  (214): Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid" http://tfl.nu/i4ng
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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  (804): IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT http://tfl.nu/e7uf
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.

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  (515): This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking. http://tfl.nu/zh63
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  (949): View more from California

  Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

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  (949): Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language. http://tfl.nu/y11c
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower

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  (270): The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower http://tfl.nu/ihik
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  (813): View more from Florida

  i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.

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  (813): i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit. http://tfl.nu/9lua
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  (585): View more from New York

  its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck

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  (585): its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck http://tfl.nu/jjii
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?

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  (330): Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway? http://tfl.nu/zrwz
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  (707): View more from California

  I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.

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  (707): I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child. http://tfl.nu/d3n6
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.

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  (306): I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not. http://tfl.nu/ytdq
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  (813): View more from Florida

  There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.

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  (813): There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet. http://tfl.nu/6irr
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...

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  (563): i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this... http://tfl.nu/un0n
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.

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  (732): This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together. http://tfl.nu/028o
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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  (662): I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered. http://tfl.nu/u71a
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator

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  (703): Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator http://tfl.nu/f05m
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.

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  (931): He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man. http://tfl.nu/ct9i
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.

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  (702): It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life. http://tfl.nu/mba1
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.

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  (503): Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter. http://tfl.nu/kpej
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  What's the big deal? you guys fuck

  (1-870): View more from Arkansas

  3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times

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  (870): What's the big deal? you guys fuck (1-870): 3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times http://tfl.nu/e13u
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools

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  (757): i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools http://tfl.nu/dqol
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.

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  (785): I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call. http://tfl.nu/1vmr
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol

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  (920): it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol http://tfl.nu/j58z
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.

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  (720): You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset. http://tfl.nu/s72o
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

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  (732): I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest http://tfl.nu/b35x
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...

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  (804): Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared... http://tfl.nu/czen
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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  (+44): just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown. (+44): before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN http://tfl.nu/72q0
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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  (706): They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods http://tfl.nu/a68f
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile

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  (309): Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile http://tfl.nu/cr7n
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

  (1-781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

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  (781): Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning. (1-781): I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon. http://tfl.nu/wxu1
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!

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  (336): That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on! http://tfl.nu/2bv6
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  (713): View more from Texas

  He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.

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  (713): He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop. http://tfl.nu/xdpv
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  (587): View more from Alberta

  the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"

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  (587): the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away" http://tfl.nu/q751
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  (679): View more from Michigan

  You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

  (679): View more from Michigan

  You really are best friends.

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  (679): You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road. (679): You really are best friends. http://tfl.nu/zi1s
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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  (601): Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her? http://tfl.nu/n019
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go

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  (410): There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go http://tfl.nu/lquj
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  (818): View more from California

  i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

  (805): View more from California

  i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

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  (818): i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday... (805): i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it" http://tfl.nu/3fjc
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.

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  (252): Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me. http://tfl.nu/r53x
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"

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  (410): You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock" http://tfl.nu/flxw
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.

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  (740): Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party. http://tfl.nu/kjr7
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.

  (518): View more from New York

  I am in love with you.

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  (203): Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think. (518): I am in love with you. http://tfl.nu/yy5e
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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  (240): last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours http://tfl.nu/1nv0
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked

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  (417): I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked http://tfl.nu/4oxw
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

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  (903): I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink. http://tfl.nu/zmqp
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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  (919): Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick. http://tfl.nu/djhd
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  (646): View more from New York

  So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.

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  (646): So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex. http://tfl.nu/jc5g
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  (716): View more from New York

  It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.

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  (716): It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it. http://tfl.nu/308e
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"

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  (412): I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this" http://tfl.nu/4n5n
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.

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  (816): Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night. http://tfl.nu/m82p
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  (214): View more from Texas

  His apartment number was 69. I had to.

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  (214): His apartment number was 69. I had to. http://tfl.nu/cn9s
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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  (401): she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch! (508): because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking. http://tfl.nu/qlq5
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

  (1-740): View more from Ohio

  2.5

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  (740): How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement? (1-740): 2.5 http://tfl.nu/yjjp
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?

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  (503): They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that? http://tfl.nu/8vi3
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  (718): View more from New York

  I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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  (718): I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!" http://tfl.nu/wp1u
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

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  (403): I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now http://tfl.nu/plpv
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.

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  (814): You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride. http://tfl.nu/0b9w
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  (415): View more from California

  apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window

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  (415): apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window http://tfl.nu/1uz3
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

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  (517): found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping. http://tfl.nu/l6f0
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

  (1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

  This is why we're friends.

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  (780): If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator. (1-780): This is why we're friends. http://tfl.nu/yp3s
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.

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  (708): I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off. http://tfl.nu/ln09
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.

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  (406): Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast. http://tfl.nu/9556
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.

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  (386): Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation. http://tfl.nu/xc4n
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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  (970): There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun http://tfl.nu/5s8r
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  (661): View more from California

  Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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  (661): Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple. http://tfl.nu/553h
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...

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  (503): I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here... http://tfl.nu/qb9a
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.

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  (864): We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian. http://tfl.nu/x5ta
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society

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  (614): I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society http://tfl.nu/ns4r
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.

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  (810): She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again. http://tfl.nu/2zep
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet

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  (816): Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet http://tfl.nu/ftvp
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  (415): View more from California

  You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.

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  (415): You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off. http://tfl.nu/eb22
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list

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  (647): Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list http://tfl.nu/yikq
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  (315): View more from New York

  We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.

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  (315): We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits. http://tfl.nu/d5s5
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...

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  (920): Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around... http://tfl.nu/q37r
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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  (231): you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob. http://tfl.nu/xbl2
  Replies (25) Good night (9432) Bad night (854) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"

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  (813): It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world" http://tfl.nu/15ms
  Replies (14) Good night (6502) Bad night (739) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.

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  (904): He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him. http://tfl.nu/bmxc
  Replies (23) Good night (1065) Bad night (2785) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.

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  (310): It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer. http://tfl.nu/9xay
  Replies (11) Good night (3313) Bad night (1937) Order T-Shirt
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