Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
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