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There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Are we still banned from the library?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
ttyl tear gas
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
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