I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
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