This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
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