We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Send us your Text From Last Night!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
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