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Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We have so much sex to catch up on
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
barbara walters just said penis...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
so explain again why im purple
no
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
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