She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm getting married
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
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